The first time my children and I decided to argue at their great-grandmother's house, she asked us to leave. I was absolutely shocked, and a little irritated in my grouchy state-of-being. When I asked her why she would have us leave, she said we were welcome to stay in her home as long as we did not argue in any way. It was her home, not ours, therefore it was her rules. She told us how years before, when Grandpa was still alive, they had decided that contention would not be allowed in their home, and the rule still applied, even years after he returned to his heavenly home. "You are welcome to stay here, but if you are going to have contention among you, take it outside." We learned very quickly how serious she was when she walked to the door and opened it. Grandma may only be about five feet tall, but she has more spunk than anyone I know. After that, we avoided arguing anytime we were at her house.
It got me thinking, what about my own home? What do I allow there? What do you do about your own homes? How do you deal with sassy mouths, arguing lips, contentious attitudes? Here are some ideas that have taken me years to learn, develop, and are still far from being perfected but getting there.
- Set the guidelines with your partner. Make sure that disciplinary actions are agreed upon and when one of the parents forget (and they will), the other is willing to kindly remind them of what was decided in the first place.
- Make the guidelines clear to the children. "This is what is expected of you" is not a ridiculous statement. When there are clear cut expectations, children know their boundaries and yours, and they thrive! In my experience, when my husband and I have followed through with rules and discipline actions, there is less rebellion and more peace.
- Wait to throw out punishments. What? Why? This is so very important! When we are in the heat of the moment, we say- and do- things that we absolutely will regret later. When tensions are running high, take a step back, send a child to their room or a corner, or you go to a room or corner, to cool off! Then, when things have calmed down a bit, sit down and (ready for this??) talk to your child! Use statements such as "When you do this ____, I feel _____." Encourage them to do the same. Communication is the saving grace to all relationships (along with forgiveness and trust). It is amazing how naturally trust and forgiveness come along when there is communication put into place first. The punishments cannot always be decided beforehand, but sometimes can be. However, decisions need to be made in advance on certain methods of discipline, such as: will we spank a child, washing mouths out with soap, time-out corners, etc.
- Be consistent. This can be a tough one at times. When the kids are screaming they want a cookie and you have already told them "no" at least five times, don't you just want to give it to them to have them stop fussing? I have given into the temper tantrums more times then I care to admit. However, I learned that the more I give in, the more I am breaking those boundaries we worked so hard to establish, and the more disrespect I am welcoming into the home. Consistency is another key to the success of a functioning home. If you have a rule that there are no snacks within an hour of dinner, stick to that rule. If there is a rule that says no tv until all homework and chores are done, then follow through with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being consistent in how you run your household. When you are feeling a bit tired, lazy, or busy, remind yourself that spending that extra ounce of energy to stand firm in your decisions benefits everyone in the long run. You've got this! Say no and maybe once in a while, when they are least expecting it, say yes, not because they are crying about it, but because it is a nice surprise when they are being so good.
- Whatsoever ye do, do all things in love. My kids have been through some very difficult challenges, some no one knows about except their dad and I. When they are grown (which is happening way too fast with our eldest graduating next month!) and they look back on their lives, I want them to recognize that although there were tough roads to go down, although there were challenges we never desired them to go through, above all, we did all things out of love. There have been more than dozens of occasions where people question our decisions in moving, or educating, or job changes. We have been questioned more often out of anger and irritation than care and understanding, which is too bad. What they have very rarely asked us to share is our why. Had they only asked, we would have shared. When all is said and done, the reasons we do what we do, is out of love- love for each other, love for our children, but most important, love for our Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ.
We strive diligently to live our very best lives, to walk and talk as the Savior would. We are far from perfect, oh yes we are, but we never give up. We fight the good fight and will fight to the finish. We only have one life to live, one chance to make our mark on this world. By taking the contention outside, and leaving it outside our homes, it is a great starting point for the greatness that awaits! When we get rid of the negative energy, we have room to fill up that space with love and light! How much more beautiful life will be when we choose to do all things in LOVE!
Loving Life-
Mama Dragon
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