Missing Tui

WARNING- Crying Post Ahead!! 

I don't publicly talk about my very real struggle in missing my sweet little friend, Tui. Last night, I battled some very raw emotions that impressed me to share here today.

The constellation and butterfly
Tui created at my house last summer

Last night, I watched Tui's siblings so their parents could go out and get some things done. I had my 8 y/o daughter with me and as I re-introduced her to the kids... it was a stab in my heart to go down the line and say, "Of course, you know who Tui is..." without him actually being there. In that moment, I wanted to gather them all up in my arms and weep, but of course, I had to continue with a smile on my face. They were excited I was there and I wanted it to be a fun evening. We popped our popcorn, cuddled up on the couch, and the movie began.... just like that. To the outside world, it was a perfect moment: the kids with their bowls of popcorn sitting calmly on the couches, the sitter relaxed after making sure everyone had what they needed, the Dr. Suess movie playing boldly on the screen. To my heart, it was excruciating. My little buddy wasn't there to sneak into the goldfish when I wasn't looking, or grab his beloved blankey and curl up next to me. My little friend was not there to jump from the couch to the ottoman, then onto his brothers as they yell, "Tui! I'm trying to watch the movie!" once or twice before they give up and start wrestling with him. He wasn't there anymore and would not be coming back..... and my arms ached as I held back the tears so I could enjoy the movie with the kids. 

Later in the evening, I had the opportunity to put the rugrats to bed. The last time I put them to bed

Tui is one of the "greats"
that has played my piano

was four months ago.... the night of Tui's viewing. The memory was as fresh as if it was just yesterday and it was all I could do to not cry the whole time. I felt myself wanting to cry when the boys did not want me to sing to them this time. Unlike the last time, they did not share their worries of the nightmares awaiting them. They were just giggly.... and very talkative... a big improvement. I am grateful their sister wanted a song as it connects me to their baby brother that I could not sing to. I think if she had passed on a song, I would have completely lost it. 

Although I am "just" the friend and I am still battling some very raw emotions over the loss of my little pal.... yet it does not even compare to what his parents are feeling day to day, and never will. These feelings, however, do give me a tiny glimpse into their lives. As the months go by and people get back to their "norms", and as Kaj​ and Nikki​ try and figure out their "new normal" I want to share with you.... with some difficulty... the loss is still very fresh in that household. That home is sacred space, yet the loss of Tui's sweet little spirit is nearly tangible. I personally feel it every time I walk in, and they somehow find the strength to return home day after day. I know it is not easy for them. I know they have strength that must be coming from the assistance of angels that are carrying them. Kaj and Nikki are among the strongest of spirits that I personally know, though, and I know that with time, they will come to a place where the grief is not so tangible, and the peace outweighs the sadness. 

Last summer at my house

Keep praying for them. Keep loving them. In my momentary glimpse into their lives, and being an empath, I know they are deeply hurting and still need all the love we can give them. When all is said and done, they will always miss Tui yet they know he is waiting for them in Heaven, wrapped in the arms of Jesus. In that, we can find solace, even when we are missing Tui. 

Missing my friend, 

Mama Dragon