To My Friend- Whose Heart Belongs to God

Dearest K,

     At first I thought it was a fluke, feeling the promptings of writing such a personal letter on my blog. I thought to myself: Why in the world would the Lord have me do that?!  Then I realized that this letter is not just from me to you, but perhaps it is to anyone who is moving on in their lives. Maybe it is from another friend or family member who also battled these feelings as you gained strength and found light again after S's death. You have used yours and S's story as a way to help others. This public, yet personal, letter seems to cry out to do the same. Use me, it pleads. Allow me to touch another soul. So, I do. Now I find myself sitting down to write and the words flow like a brook, winding its way through the forest, just as these thoughts find their way from my heart to yours. 

I remember when I first met you. M and S were great friends from their growing up years and we all ended up in the same church congregation together. There you were, sitting in the class that would encourage us to be friends. You had your short hair, spiky in the back, while sporting your stylish glasses. Who is this new sister? She is adorable. She is probably way to cool for me. We could never be friends. I reached over the chairs (or did I sit next to you?), extended my hand and said, "Hi! I'm Jen! Are you new or visiting?" With the best smile you could offer (in what I later found out was a very nervous moment for you), you responded with your name and you were new. I asked if we could be friends. You laughed and said yes and the rest is history. It makes me laugh to know that it was years later we found out how terrified we both were. 

Over the years, our paths have taken our families separate ways, both moving to various states for work or school. Then Facebook came into our lives and we reconnected, until you left that for a time. When I tracked you down later, I was elated that we would both be back in AZ at the same time to visit. Yet, there was no time during that busy holiday season to connect. "Next time we're both in town, we'll all get together," you reassured me. Little did we know, there would not be another next time.

Shortly after, you were diagnosed with a terrible dis-ease that nearly took your life. All I could do was pray for you. I had no money to offer for treatments. I could not come hold your hand in another state. I could not tend your children. All I could do was pray.  During that same time that you were battling cancer, I was battling my own illness with my heart. I knew that somehow, even though we rarely talked, we understood each other's struggles. I had my surgery and when you got a clean bill of health, I praised God for saving my dear, darling friend. 

Two months after I experienced a miracle and the doctors were able to correct my heart issue, the devastating news came: Your darling S, my husband's best friend, passed away suddenly... from a heart attack. Oh, the ironies! Oh the cruelty! You survived and he was taken. My heart that had been failing for years was mended and his heart (that you did not know was struggling) suddenly stopped working. There was a guilt there that brought my rejoicing to a halt and for months M and I grieved over the loss of our dear, wonderful friend. 

When I least expected it, tears would fall and the "next time we're both in town..." would come to mind. I followed your life (hooray for social media stalking) and sent you my love. I have prayed for angels to buoy up you and those darling boys who missed their coach and hero- their dad. 

Then, one day, God took your broken heart and found a way to mend it. He helped you find grace in the darkest of nights through your three heroes- your boys. He brought light into your life by an amazing, supportive community, work associates, and parents (both yours and S's) who continued to carry you when you could not stand anymore. He brought you joy through a new little friend named Gus. Most of all, God allowed the Atonement of Jesus Christ to ease the sadness and despair and turn it into a place of beauty and healing. One day, God lead you to a place that most mortals do not have the opportunity to be... He lead you to another chance at love. 

My dear friend, the first time you shared a date with E on social media, my heart leapt and I knew it was he who would complete you once again. I know that when S left this world, he took a huge part of you with him. God, in all His goodness, took that hole in your heart, and found another man not to be "second best" or for you to "settle for" but to fill that hole with happiness, light, laughter (which is such a huge part of you) and most of all hope! God heard your tender pleas and knew that your boys needed a father, one who would love them as much as S, and one that would adore you and cherish you as you deserve. You so deserve to be cherished! 

The day of your wedding, I asked angels to carry my thoughts and love to you. I wanted to see you happy, but at the same time, my heart was broken. I so wanted to accept E in your life but did not want to let go of S. He was a strength and guiding force to so many. How could we move on? How could you move on? I called my sister and cried. I was torn on how to best support you. She shared great insight with me, that during your time of illness, surely you and S talked about what would happen if you were the one to leave this life behind. She shared that she knew S was supportive of your choice, that maybe he had a hand in leading you and E to each other. 

I prayed more, and came to acceptance through this thought: Your heart belongs to God. That is how you live your life- to follow Him. In doing so, He will place in your life the exact people you need at the exact moment you need them. At this time, you and your boys needed E, and he needed you so God allowed your hearts to be united in holiness and love. 

To E, I say: thank you for loving my friend so completely. I look forward to one day meeting the man who stole her heart. To my beautiful friend, My K, who has carried me through the years, let me say this: I love you. I support you. I am cheering you and E on. M and I will always miss our friend, but we know he is where he needs to be, watching over you and your sons. What a blessing to have a guardian angel that has loved you so perfectly! What a miracle to find love again in this life! Go forward with a perfect brightness of hope, my incredible friend. For when your heart truly belongs to God, there is so much joy to behold. 

Love you forever, 

Jen (aka Mama Dragon)