Last Sunday, July 26th to be exact, I hit a brick wall. After some negative events and the building emotions I had not dealt with for weeks, even months in some cases, I woke up in complete misery and anger towards members of my church. As I prayed that morning, I told God I did not want to experience the feelings I was carrying, and that I wanted to work through these enormous struggles as quickly as possible. I told Him that I was going to attend church that morning but I did not know if would return, so to please have a message to let me know that I was wanted, that I belonged there.
After getting dressed, I went to our worship services, ready to feel again. The tears I had been holding in for weeks finally began to trickle out when my dear friend began playing Paul Cardall's "Redeemer." Music is my language but even it had not been able to work through the wall of bricks I had been building, until that moment. After that breathtaking piano solo, the main speaker in our congregation was a young woman of 20 who was leaving three days later to serve a proselyting mission in Indianapolis, Indiana. She bore witness that we are each going to have our struggles throughout life, but we need to keep going, to continue on until we cross the finish line. She shared the well-penned poem "The Race" and it's message was exactly what I needed to hear. I wept openly as I felt the love of my Heavenly Father tell me that indeed, I was wanted there.
The next hour would test me to a make-or-break point. During that time, I got into a heated discussion with a child of mine, through text. All of the feelings I had been struggling with for months- hurt, sadness, grief, betrayal loneliness- came to a head. I could not continue on and for the first time in my 38 years of my born-and-raise-and-continually-active LDS life, I walked away from church and had no plan to return.
I went home and wept more than I had in a very long time. For hours I cried. I reached out to my closest friends who immediately let me know they were concerned for me, and that I was loved. I went to a Facebook group for missionary parents (with 9000+ members) and shared my struggle. Immediately, I received an overwhelming response, so much so that I could not read everything at that time. It was too much kindness! Too much love in that moment. I took a nap, had some visitors that I asked to pray for me, then read some more love notes as I wept. A while later, I had some unexpected visitors- one being our bishop (ecclesiastical leader) and his wife. My youngest son had sent him a message, telling him I needed to talk. They came with no judgement, only love. When they left, I felt validated in my feelings, but still on very shaky ground. I still had no intentions of returning to church worship services. At the request of my children, I attended a church function that evening, but just for a short time. Then, I quietly slipped out.
At 8:40 pm I headed to my dear friend's house. She knew I was coming and needed some soul sister time. She gave me a gift that would change everything. She gave me the gift of teaching me to use the Atonement to clear out the negative energy in my life and to fill my soul with light instead. She taught me how to recognize that when the feeling or task is heavy, it is not truth, but when it is light, then it is truth. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light," she shared. She helped me see that in my life, as I faced difficult tasks and obstacles, the Light of Christ will bring peace and comfort through it all. It may be hard, but it does not have to be dark and heavy- those feelings are from the adversary, not Christ. His love is Light. She asked, "Why do we keep trying to fix things He has already taken care of (through the Atonement)?"As we did energy work and statement clearing exercises, I felt tangible healing to my soul. I knew there were hundreds praying for me and did not know at the time some had even began fasting for me! That night, I felt angels carrying the love of those missionary parents directly to me, wrapping it around me with their arms. Human touch is a necessity. Heavenly touch is Divine.
When I left to return home 2 hours later, I was a completely different person that walked in. I felt joy, I felt peace, I felt loved, but mostly I felt Light! By the next day, as I read the remaining notes of support and encouragement, I knew I was going to be just fine.
I shared my thoughts with the parents that included: This morning, I awoke, feeling like a COMPLETELY different person.... or the person I USED to be, before I got lost in the people of the Church. It is remarkable and I cannot begin to describe the peace I feel this day. I do not like carrying grudges and I let them go last night. I feel light and joy and have been smiling all day!! I ABSOLUTELY credit you sisters for your love and prayers and testimonies. God heard ALL of our prayers and softened my heart quickly.... because I was READY to let go!
I know that I will meet more people in the future that are.... human. I will take this TRULY miraculous event and humbly turn it to the Savior and choose to not be offended, but just to allow HIM to take care of them, just as He has taken care of me, through His Atonement.
Recognizing this for what it was- a miracle- I have come to believe that miracles take place when we are ready for them to. I wanted to change! I wanted a softening of my heart and so I was ready. I expected a miracle and I received one. This is the "faith that proceeds the miracle" and it's joy is oh, so heavenly!
I have a renewed sense of who I am. I do not go to church to please others, I go to worship God. I will no longer be afraid to be true to myself, Daughter of a King.
I have a renewed sense of who I am. I do not go to church to please others, I go to worship God. I will no longer be afraid to be true to myself, Daughter of a King.
Expecting Miracles,
Mama Dragon
Mama Dragon
