New Year, New Me, New Hopes, New Dreams

Hello? Oh, hi! I'm Mama Dragon. Remember me? Hmmm..... what is this? Where am I? Oh, that's right! This is my blog-I-worked-so-hard-to-get-going-then-neglected-it-for-other-good-things-as-my-life-has-been-a-whirlwind-of-busyness-and-emotions-these-past-couple-of-months! WHEW! With or without writing, here it is a new year and I have recommitted myself to making something great of my writing journey this year. I am exactly where I need to be. I am grateful for those who are taking the ride with me. 

Just for a quick rundown of what you have missed and how I have been working as a guardian of light in my life- 

- We moved back to Idaho and love being among some of our dearest friends once again. 

- Approximately 30 hours after we got to Idaho, my husband and I took our eldest to the airport and put him on a place for the Amazon Jungle in Peru, not to see him again for two years so he can do Gods work.

- We had an incredibly blessed Christmas thanks to Santa and his elves. Seriously, God is SO good! 

- We have been busy unpacking, settling in, and finding our groove. 

- As of late last night, and 2 1/2 months later, the books are unpacked.... FINALLY!! 

At the beginning of a year, I do not create a list of resolutions. Gasp! I come up with a word or phrase I want to base my life off that year, improving myself continually. This year has already proven to be a tough one as I have chosen "Exact Obedience" for my theme. I was inspired by the quote by Russell M. Nelson: 

I may find quotes, stories, articles, about my theme. I might choose areas (such as my health) that I know I need to improve upon and follow guidelines doctors and God have put in place to keep me healthy. If I feel inspired by the Holy Spirit to reach out to another, I am going to act on that prompting. You get the idea. I love the ideal of creating a theme and sticking with it all year. It makes me actually want to continue goals I set, instead of running out of steam by spring time. 

It's a new year,
I'm a new me.
I have new hopes
and new dreams.

I look forward to sharing them with you.

Looking Up,
Mama Dragon

5 Little Bandaids

What does one give when they have nothing to offer? Everything. 

Like so many others, I remember vividly the morning of September 11, 2001. I was expecting our third boy and had recently gotten off restricted bed rest. My mother called me, crying, to say a bomb or something had hit the Pentagon and one of the Twin Towers. Having been sleeping until the phone rang, I was in a daze and could not understand what she was talking about.

Leaving my husband to sleep after another late shift, I tiredly stumble to the living room and turned on the TV. Pictured of smoking buildings filed the screen. I watched as a plane hit the second tower. "Is this for real?" I asked my mom. "Is this really happening? Is it a movie? I do not understand what is going on!" I went in to wake my husband. I was terrified. I needed my hand securely in his. Then, over the course of the next several minutes we all watched in horror, still on the phone with my mother hundreds of miles away, as the buildings came crashing down one after another. People screaming. Then, blackness.

For the next two days I could not tear myself away from the screen. I am an em-path and I have a ... desire to mourn with those that mourn. I feel their pain. I take on their hurt, so later God can use me to help heal them. I needed to do that right then. I was also dealing with a high risk pregnancy and the stress of what was happening may have effected my baby, we later learned. 

I thrive in serving others and I needed to serve during those first few days. My husband and I talked of driving across the country to New York to help where it was needed, but we knew it was not realistic. We had two small children and I was cautiously carrying our third. I could not donate blood, I then learned, because it was needed for my baby. What could I do?!

Being pre-social media days, reaching out to others meant actually picking up a phone, or walking to a neighbor's house. Praying for guidance, I called the leader of our church's local women's organization. As I shared me idea with her, she became excited to help. 

On the news, it was shared that the rescuers were burning through their gloves, shoes were melting, and they were in desperate need of more medical supplies. Calling the area church leaders, I received permission to put collection boxes throughout the church building in the area. I made a flyer and hung it around the neighborhood, as well as with the boxes, and stood on the corner by Subway handing them out as well. My house became the main drop off point. In just a few days, we had collected much needed items to be sent to New York: rubbing alcohol, bandages, work gloves, etc. The response and outpouring of kindness was astonishing. 

My favorite contribution, though, brings me to tears whenever I think of it. Inside one box collected from the church was not a package of bandages, but five individual bandaids, of various brands. They just sat at the bottom of the box. I imagine that the family who gave these wanted, like so many others, to desperately help ease some suffering. Not having anything else to offer, the mother and children gathered a few precious items from around the house, consecrating them to those who were in need. Perhaps it was all they could do, yet do they know that in giving so little, they changed many lives?

A few days later as I took the gathered and sorted items to the local Red Cross, I pulled out the bandaids, sharing them the story of how these items came to be. The ladies I spoke to that day were visibly moved to tears. They, too, could recognize the sacrifice of the hands that gave these inexpensive, but valuable items. They, too, could feel the Spirit of Giving through this gift. 

How much are we willing to give to bring light to the world, to make a difference, no matter how small? Are we willing to give up some of our most precious possessions to be Keepers of Kindness, Guardians of Light? These bandaids were such as the Widow's Mite, truly a sacrifice, yet one that needed to be given. There is goodness all around us. We can remember the storied of Light when we think of the tragic events of September 11th. Share the goodness. Give what you can. Be the Light in this dark world. 

Sharing Goodness,
Mama Dragon

Miracles

Last Sunday, July 26th to be exact, I hit a brick wall. After some negative events and the building emotions I had not dealt with for weeks, even months in some cases, I woke up in complete misery and anger towards members of my church. As I prayed that morning, I told God I did not want to experience the feelings I was carrying, and that I wanted to work through these enormous struggles as quickly as possible. I told Him that I was going to attend church that morning but I did not know if would return, so to please have a message to let me know that I was wanted, that I belonged there. 

After getting dressed, I went to our worship services, ready to feel again. The tears I had been holding in for weeks finally began to trickle out when my dear friend began playing Paul Cardall's "Redeemer." Music is my language but even it had not been able to work through the wall of bricks I had been building, until that moment. After that breathtaking piano solo, the main speaker in our congregation was a young woman of 20 who was leaving three days later to serve a proselyting mission in Indianapolis, Indiana. She bore witness that we are each going to have our struggles throughout life, but we need to keep going, to continue on until we cross the finish line. She shared the well-penned poem "The Race" and it's message was exactly what I needed to hear. I wept openly as I felt the love of my Heavenly Father tell me that indeed, I was wanted there. 

The next hour would test me to a make-or-break point. During that time, I got into a heated discussion with a child of mine, through text. All of the feelings I had been struggling with for months- hurt, sadness, grief, betrayal loneliness- came to a head. I could not continue on and for the first time in my 38 years of my born-and-raise-and-continually-active LDS life, I walked away from church and had no plan to return. 

I went home and wept more than I had in a very long time. For hours I cried. I reached out to my closest friends who immediately let me know they were concerned for me, and that I was loved. I went to a Facebook group for missionary parents (with 9000+ members) and shared my struggle.  Immediately, I received an overwhelming response, so much so that I could not read everything at that time. It was too much kindness! Too much love in that moment. I took a nap, had some visitors that I asked to pray for me, then read some more love notes as I wept. A while later, I had some unexpected visitors- one being our bishop (ecclesiastical leader) and his wife. My youngest son had sent him a message, telling him I needed to talk. They came with no judgement, only love. When they left, I felt validated in my feelings, but still on very shaky ground. I still had no intentions of returning to church worship services. At the request of my children, I attended a church function that evening, but just for a short time. Then, I quietly slipped out. 

At 8:40 pm I headed to my dear friend's house. She knew I was coming and needed some soul sister time. She gave me a gift that would change everything. She gave me the gift of teaching me to use the Atonement to clear out the negative energy in my life and to fill my soul with light instead. She taught me how to recognize that when the feeling or task is heavy, it is not truth, but when it is light, then it is truth. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light," she shared. She helped me see that in my life, as I faced difficult tasks and obstacles, the Light of Christ will bring peace and comfort through it all. It may be hard, but it does not have to be dark and heavy- those feelings are from the adversary, not Christ. His love is Light. She asked, "Why do we keep trying to fix things He has already taken care of (through the Atonement)?"As we did energy work and statement clearing exercises, I felt tangible healing to my soul. I knew there were hundreds praying for me and did not know at the time some had even began fasting for me! That night, I felt angels carrying the love of those missionary parents directly to me, wrapping it around me with their arms. Human touch is a necessity. Heavenly touch is Divine. 

When I left to return home 2 hours later, I was a completely different person that walked in. I felt joy, I felt peace, I felt loved, but mostly I felt Light! By the next day, as I read the remaining notes of support and encouragement, I knew I was going to be just fine. 

I shared my thoughts with the parents that included: This morning, I awoke, feeling like a COMPLETELY different person.... or the person I USED to be, before I got lost in the people of the Church. It is remarkable and I cannot begin to describe the peace I feel this day. I do not like carrying grudges and I let them go last night. I feel light and joy and have been smiling all day!! I ABSOLUTELY credit you sisters for your love and prayers and testimonies. God heard ALL of our prayers and softened my heart quickly.... because I was READY to let go!

I know that I will meet more people in the future that are.... human. I will take this TRULY miraculous event and humbly turn it to the Savior and choose to not be offended, but just to allow HIM to take care of them, just as He has taken care of me, through His Atonement. 

Recognizing this for what it was- a miracle- I have come to believe that miracles take place when we are ready for them to. I wanted to change! I wanted a softening of my heart and so I was ready. I expected a miracle and I received one. This is the "faith that proceeds the miracle" and it's joy is oh, so heavenly!

I have a renewed sense of who I am. I do not go to church to please others, I go to worship God. I will no longer be afraid to be true to myself, Daughter of a King. 

Expecting Miracles,
Mama Dragon