Living Joyfully

For those that are closest to me, it is no secret that I have been undergoing a transformation of sorts since my heart surgery nearly three years ago; a rebirth of my spirit, so to speak. I have paddled hard as the dark waters have tried to confound me and I have struggled to gasp for air as I have fought, sometimes seemingly in vain, to keep my head above water. There has been a light slowly finding its way through the darkness, and now after sinking, drowning, battling to stay afloat, it seems the light has not only pierced through, but has filled my every soul. It has shined it's way into the broken and fragile being I was and brought love and healing into every crevice of my heart, mending it beyond the medical repairs; allowing it to illuminate something nearly tangible as I begin to embrace the new me.

One aspect of me finding my way to the new me has been that I have not been pursuing my music as much as I used to. I went from writing Christian songs up to four times a week, to writing maybe twice a year. I stopped performing, nearly completely stopped creating, and ultimately, stopped walking a path I knew I was supposed to travel since the age of seven. This has not all been bad, wrong, or neglectful. It has simply been what I needed.

As I have stepped away from music for these past few years, I have embraced motherhood to its fullest, and am learning how to put my own needs first. Note: I did not say wants, but rather needs. It is much like the oxygen mask theory I am sure most of you have heard of by now. Still, it is important to have reminders now and again. When an airplane is going through severe turbulence, or is (heaven forbid) on it's way to something more severe, an oxygen mask drops from the ceiling. In the pre-flight information, the attendants explain that if you are traveling with a child, to place your own mask on before assisting your beloved child. This is so that you will have the tools you need to care for your child. Placing your needs first allows you to have the energy and strength to care for those entrusted to you. This is what I have needed to do, striven to do (albeit not always successfully) and continue to do. Yet, there was something still missing.

In order to find that something, that part of me that was either lost, forgotten, or perhaps not yet discovered or unveiled, I gradually left social media. First blogging, then Facebok and Twitter. Some people might think that this could mean the death of a reputation or business you have built. If that's the case, so be it. For me, it became about taking that last step in recreating who I am. In the past two months, I have: cleaned out my house, purged a great deal of “stuff” (which I was sad about then over time realized how freeing this has been), said goodbye to the dearest of friends, parents, my in-laws, and grandmother-in-law (some of whom I may ever again see in this life), buried a soul sister, stayed up all night talking, hugged my brother after he was imprisoned for 10 years, learned to change the oil in my car, moved 2000 miles across the country, fed bison, had nothing to do (aka: been bored), petted donkeys, visited a hidden Civil War Cemetery, been to the Smoky Mountains, walked to a waterfall, missed playing my piano, stayed off social media, made new friends, lived in a tent, developed an infected and excruciating heat rash, healed my body naturally, moved another few hundred miles, and moved into a new home where we currently have camping chairs for furniture, are eating from our camping dishes, have no dressers, no tv, no internet, are preparing to homeschool another year... and are thriving. I have discovered that what I was missing was already a part of me. I am happy. I am light. I am joyous. I am at peace.

One of the best parts of this journey was today, when I sat down at a piano, and just played. I played songs already written, and created new pieces just for me and God. I talked to Him through my playing and was reminded of a scripture once shared with me.  

"For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding."

Today, I truly communed with God through our common language: that of music. These past (nearly) three years I have felt more and more withdrawn from God, but did not know why. Now I do. I pushed Him away, Him and the incredible gift He gave me. By not aligning my will with His, I was fighting Him. This music is part of me, and when it is gone, I am no longer myself. Without my gifts, and more importantly without God, I cannot be the incredible Daughter He desires for me to be. It is what bonds us, joins us as Father and Daughter, Love and Light. Without the music – the gifts - He has blessed me with, I am nothing. Without Him I am nothing. So today, because I have opened the door and let them both back into my life full-heartedly, I am me once again.

How incredibly grateful I am to be eternally linked with a husband who supports me and never gives up on me; with children who are truly good souls and cheer each other on; with friends (old and new) who remind me how much God loves me; with an incredible Father in Heaven who has never doubted me, but sent His Son so that I could find myself again.

Thriving Joyfully,
Mama Dragon

Miracles

Last Sunday, July 26th to be exact, I hit a brick wall. After some negative events and the building emotions I had not dealt with for weeks, even months in some cases, I woke up in complete misery and anger towards members of my church. As I prayed that morning, I told God I did not want to experience the feelings I was carrying, and that I wanted to work through these enormous struggles as quickly as possible. I told Him that I was going to attend church that morning but I did not know if would return, so to please have a message to let me know that I was wanted, that I belonged there. 

After getting dressed, I went to our worship services, ready to feel again. The tears I had been holding in for weeks finally began to trickle out when my dear friend began playing Paul Cardall's "Redeemer." Music is my language but even it had not been able to work through the wall of bricks I had been building, until that moment. After that breathtaking piano solo, the main speaker in our congregation was a young woman of 20 who was leaving three days later to serve a proselyting mission in Indianapolis, Indiana. She bore witness that we are each going to have our struggles throughout life, but we need to keep going, to continue on until we cross the finish line. She shared the well-penned poem "The Race" and it's message was exactly what I needed to hear. I wept openly as I felt the love of my Heavenly Father tell me that indeed, I was wanted there. 

The next hour would test me to a make-or-break point. During that time, I got into a heated discussion with a child of mine, through text. All of the feelings I had been struggling with for months- hurt, sadness, grief, betrayal loneliness- came to a head. I could not continue on and for the first time in my 38 years of my born-and-raise-and-continually-active LDS life, I walked away from church and had no plan to return. 

I went home and wept more than I had in a very long time. For hours I cried. I reached out to my closest friends who immediately let me know they were concerned for me, and that I was loved. I went to a Facebook group for missionary parents (with 9000+ members) and shared my struggle.  Immediately, I received an overwhelming response, so much so that I could not read everything at that time. It was too much kindness! Too much love in that moment. I took a nap, had some visitors that I asked to pray for me, then read some more love notes as I wept. A while later, I had some unexpected visitors- one being our bishop (ecclesiastical leader) and his wife. My youngest son had sent him a message, telling him I needed to talk. They came with no judgement, only love. When they left, I felt validated in my feelings, but still on very shaky ground. I still had no intentions of returning to church worship services. At the request of my children, I attended a church function that evening, but just for a short time. Then, I quietly slipped out. 

At 8:40 pm I headed to my dear friend's house. She knew I was coming and needed some soul sister time. She gave me a gift that would change everything. She gave me the gift of teaching me to use the Atonement to clear out the negative energy in my life and to fill my soul with light instead. She taught me how to recognize that when the feeling or task is heavy, it is not truth, but when it is light, then it is truth. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light," she shared. She helped me see that in my life, as I faced difficult tasks and obstacles, the Light of Christ will bring peace and comfort through it all. It may be hard, but it does not have to be dark and heavy- those feelings are from the adversary, not Christ. His love is Light. She asked, "Why do we keep trying to fix things He has already taken care of (through the Atonement)?"As we did energy work and statement clearing exercises, I felt tangible healing to my soul. I knew there were hundreds praying for me and did not know at the time some had even began fasting for me! That night, I felt angels carrying the love of those missionary parents directly to me, wrapping it around me with their arms. Human touch is a necessity. Heavenly touch is Divine. 

When I left to return home 2 hours later, I was a completely different person that walked in. I felt joy, I felt peace, I felt loved, but mostly I felt Light! By the next day, as I read the remaining notes of support and encouragement, I knew I was going to be just fine. 

I shared my thoughts with the parents that included: This morning, I awoke, feeling like a COMPLETELY different person.... or the person I USED to be, before I got lost in the people of the Church. It is remarkable and I cannot begin to describe the peace I feel this day. I do not like carrying grudges and I let them go last night. I feel light and joy and have been smiling all day!! I ABSOLUTELY credit you sisters for your love and prayers and testimonies. God heard ALL of our prayers and softened my heart quickly.... because I was READY to let go!

I know that I will meet more people in the future that are.... human. I will take this TRULY miraculous event and humbly turn it to the Savior and choose to not be offended, but just to allow HIM to take care of them, just as He has taken care of me, through His Atonement. 

Recognizing this for what it was- a miracle- I have come to believe that miracles take place when we are ready for them to. I wanted to change! I wanted a softening of my heart and so I was ready. I expected a miracle and I received one. This is the "faith that proceeds the miracle" and it's joy is oh, so heavenly!

I have a renewed sense of who I am. I do not go to church to please others, I go to worship God. I will no longer be afraid to be true to myself, Daughter of a King. 

Expecting Miracles,
Mama Dragon