For those that are closest to me, it is
no secret that I have been undergoing a transformation of sorts since
my heart surgery nearly three years ago; a rebirth of my spirit, so
to speak. I have paddled hard as the dark waters have tried to
confound me and I have struggled to gasp for air as I have fought,
sometimes seemingly in vain, to keep my head above water. There has
been a light slowly finding its way through the darkness, and now
after sinking, drowning, battling to stay afloat, it seems the light
has not only pierced through, but has filled my every soul. It has
shined it's way into the broken and fragile being I was and brought
love and healing into every crevice of my heart, mending it beyond
the medical repairs; allowing it to illuminate something nearly
tangible as I begin to embrace the new me.
One aspect of me finding my way to the
new me has been that I have not been pursuing my music as much as I
used to. I went from writing Christian songs up to four times a week,
to writing maybe twice a year. I stopped performing, nearly
completely stopped creating, and ultimately, stopped walking a path I
knew I was supposed to travel since the age of seven. This has not
all been bad, wrong, or neglectful. It has simply been what I needed.
As I have stepped away from music for
these past few years, I have embraced motherhood to its fullest, and
am learning how to put my own needs first. Note: I did not say wants,
but rather needs. It is much like the oxygen mask theory I am
sure most of you have heard of by now. Still, it is important to have
reminders now and again. When an airplane is going through severe
turbulence, or is (heaven forbid) on it's way to something more
severe, an oxygen mask drops from the ceiling. In the pre-flight
information, the attendants explain that if you are traveling with a
child, to place your own mask on before assisting your beloved child.
This is so that you will have the tools you need to care for your
child. Placing your needs first allows you to have the energy and
strength to care for those entrusted to you. This is what I have
needed to do, striven to do (albeit not always successfully) and
continue to do. Yet, there was something still missing.
In order to find that something, that
part of me that was either lost, forgotten, or perhaps not yet
discovered or unveiled, I gradually left social media. First
blogging, then Facebok and Twitter. Some people might think that this
could mean the death of a reputation or business you have built. If
that's the case, so be it. For me, it became about taking that last
step in recreating who I am. In the past two months, I have: cleaned
out my house, purged a great deal of “stuff” (which I was sad
about then over time realized how freeing this has been), said
goodbye to the dearest of friends, parents, my in-laws, and
grandmother-in-law (some of whom I may ever again see in this life),
buried a soul sister, stayed up all night talking, hugged my brother
after he was imprisoned for 10 years, learned to change the oil in my
car, moved 2000 miles across the country, fed bison, had nothing
to do (aka: been bored), petted donkeys, visited a hidden Civil War
Cemetery, been to the Smoky Mountains, walked to a waterfall, missed
playing my piano, stayed off social media, made new friends, lived in
a tent, developed an infected and excruciating heat rash, healed my
body naturally, moved another few hundred miles, and moved into a new
home where we currently have camping chairs for furniture, are eating
from our camping dishes, have no dressers, no tv, no internet, are
preparing to homeschool another year... and are thriving. I have
discovered that what I was missing was already a part of me. I am
happy. I am light. I am joyous. I am at peace.
One of the best parts of this journey
was today, when I sat down at a piano, and just played. I played
songs already written, and created new pieces just for me and God. I
talked to Him through my playing and was reminded of a scripture once
shared with me.
"For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding."
Today, I truly communed with God through
our common language: that of music. These past (nearly) three years I
have felt more and more withdrawn from God, but did not know why. Now
I do. I pushed Him away, Him and the incredible gift He
gave me. By not aligning my will with His, I was fighting Him. This music is part of me, and when it is gone, I am no longer
myself. Without my gifts, and more importantly without God, I cannot
be the incredible Daughter He desires for me to be. It is what bonds
us, joins us as Father and Daughter, Love and Light. Without the
music – the gifts - He has blessed me with, I am nothing. Without
Him I am nothing. So today, because I have opened the door and let
them both back into my life full-heartedly, I am me once again.
How incredibly grateful I am to be
eternally linked with a husband who supports me and never gives up on
me; with children who are truly good souls and cheer each other on;
with friends (old and new) who remind me how much God loves me; with
an incredible Father in Heaven who has never doubted me, but sent His
Son so that I could find myself again.
Thriving Joyfully,
Mama Dragon
Mama Dragon
