Living Joyfully

For those that are closest to me, it is no secret that I have been undergoing a transformation of sorts since my heart surgery nearly three years ago; a rebirth of my spirit, so to speak. I have paddled hard as the dark waters have tried to confound me and I have struggled to gasp for air as I have fought, sometimes seemingly in vain, to keep my head above water. There has been a light slowly finding its way through the darkness, and now after sinking, drowning, battling to stay afloat, it seems the light has not only pierced through, but has filled my every soul. It has shined it's way into the broken and fragile being I was and brought love and healing into every crevice of my heart, mending it beyond the medical repairs; allowing it to illuminate something nearly tangible as I begin to embrace the new me.

One aspect of me finding my way to the new me has been that I have not been pursuing my music as much as I used to. I went from writing Christian songs up to four times a week, to writing maybe twice a year. I stopped performing, nearly completely stopped creating, and ultimately, stopped walking a path I knew I was supposed to travel since the age of seven. This has not all been bad, wrong, or neglectful. It has simply been what I needed.

As I have stepped away from music for these past few years, I have embraced motherhood to its fullest, and am learning how to put my own needs first. Note: I did not say wants, but rather needs. It is much like the oxygen mask theory I am sure most of you have heard of by now. Still, it is important to have reminders now and again. When an airplane is going through severe turbulence, or is (heaven forbid) on it's way to something more severe, an oxygen mask drops from the ceiling. In the pre-flight information, the attendants explain that if you are traveling with a child, to place your own mask on before assisting your beloved child. This is so that you will have the tools you need to care for your child. Placing your needs first allows you to have the energy and strength to care for those entrusted to you. This is what I have needed to do, striven to do (albeit not always successfully) and continue to do. Yet, there was something still missing.

In order to find that something, that part of me that was either lost, forgotten, or perhaps not yet discovered or unveiled, I gradually left social media. First blogging, then Facebok and Twitter. Some people might think that this could mean the death of a reputation or business you have built. If that's the case, so be it. For me, it became about taking that last step in recreating who I am. In the past two months, I have: cleaned out my house, purged a great deal of “stuff” (which I was sad about then over time realized how freeing this has been), said goodbye to the dearest of friends, parents, my in-laws, and grandmother-in-law (some of whom I may ever again see in this life), buried a soul sister, stayed up all night talking, hugged my brother after he was imprisoned for 10 years, learned to change the oil in my car, moved 2000 miles across the country, fed bison, had nothing to do (aka: been bored), petted donkeys, visited a hidden Civil War Cemetery, been to the Smoky Mountains, walked to a waterfall, missed playing my piano, stayed off social media, made new friends, lived in a tent, developed an infected and excruciating heat rash, healed my body naturally, moved another few hundred miles, and moved into a new home where we currently have camping chairs for furniture, are eating from our camping dishes, have no dressers, no tv, no internet, are preparing to homeschool another year... and are thriving. I have discovered that what I was missing was already a part of me. I am happy. I am light. I am joyous. I am at peace.

One of the best parts of this journey was today, when I sat down at a piano, and just played. I played songs already written, and created new pieces just for me and God. I talked to Him through my playing and was reminded of a scripture once shared with me.  

"For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding."

Today, I truly communed with God through our common language: that of music. These past (nearly) three years I have felt more and more withdrawn from God, but did not know why. Now I do. I pushed Him away, Him and the incredible gift He gave me. By not aligning my will with His, I was fighting Him. This music is part of me, and when it is gone, I am no longer myself. Without my gifts, and more importantly without God, I cannot be the incredible Daughter He desires for me to be. It is what bonds us, joins us as Father and Daughter, Love and Light. Without the music – the gifts - He has blessed me with, I am nothing. Without Him I am nothing. So today, because I have opened the door and let them both back into my life full-heartedly, I am me once again.

How incredibly grateful I am to be eternally linked with a husband who supports me and never gives up on me; with children who are truly good souls and cheer each other on; with friends (old and new) who remind me how much God loves me; with an incredible Father in Heaven who has never doubted me, but sent His Son so that I could find myself again.

Thriving Joyfully,
Mama Dragon

Abundant Life

Inside each of us is the ability to break free of the chains that bind us from reaching our greatest potential. Like most everyone else in the world, I went through severe challenges in my youth that eventually lead to a sense of uncertainty as to who I was and what I could accomplish in my life. It is only after working hard at overcoming these incorrect ideals that I am now creating an abundant life- the one I want and deserve. 

I always wanted to be two things: a mother and a teacher. I was going to graduate high school at age 17, get my Bachelor's Degree in Education by 21, serve a proselyting mission for my church, and finally get married. I knew I would find my equal in my companion when it was the right time. I knew we would have an amazing family with at least 6 children, but hopefully more. Well, I did graduate at age 17, started college, then 9 days before my 20th birthday I got married. One month before my 21st birthday, I became a mother. We had extremely difficult pregnancies and multiple miscarriages. We had four children and stopped, not wanting my body or emotional state to risk anymore trauma. We have been through multiple job layoffs, financial losses, mental illness, and aftermath of childhood abuse. Life has been a constant uphill battle and we could not be more blessed. 

In my youth, nothing was going to stop me from reaching my successes. As an adult, as one difficulty after another arose, my dreams of success started diminishing. I felt myself wondering if I would ever have the life I always wanted. Then, I learned more about the Law of Attraction. 

The Law of Attraction states that what you put out in the Universe, it will come back to you. This being said, if I spend my time and energy working towards my successes I know are awaiting me, then they will come. 

One example of this is my husband's new job. After working for several companies in a short amount of time, he expressed (out loud) that he desired to work for a company with integrity and honesty. He said he desired to have solid work with a solid paycheck, enough to support his family, plus a bit extra. Days later, he had a job interview. The following week, they offered him the position. The company met all of his requirements. On his first day on the job this week, they expressed interest in possibly sending him to the city we are going to relocate to later this year. By his second day of work, they officially offered him the position, to start immediately, with better pay. He manifested what he wanted, believed in the abundant future awaiting us, and opened himself to receiving the blessings that were waiting for him. 

As I look at my life now, I see that my desires and goals of my youth have been met. I have an incredibly beautiful family that we have fought hard to have. I have the opportunity to teach, because I am a homeschool mom. We have enough on our plates and to share with others. I get to use my talents (music) to lighten the burden of others and bring light into their eyes. This fall, we will be living in the home we want, in the city we desire to be in. We are manifesting what we want and creating our abundant life as we go. We are truly blessed, because we choose to be. 

Abundantly living-
Mama Dragon